Cameron Esposito explains why bipolar disorder is her stand-up comedy ‘superpower’

A lot of comedy specials are made for us to sit and laugh at a comedian’s funny thoughts. In her latest special, Cameron Esposito wants to take things a step further by giving you a look inside her brain. As a person diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 40, her mind offers a lot to unpack. But the goal remains the same as any special: to laugh at something we feel like we’re not supposed to only to realize we can relate to a person’s struggles more than we think.

In her latest hour, “Four Pills,” premiering Friday via Dropout (formerly College Humor), the hilarious multi-hyphenate known for her acting on the show “Take My Wife” and her podcast “Queery” has honed a fresh perspective on living with bipolar disorder that forced her to take her 20 years of stand-up to the next level by bringing fans into the deepest part of her world for the first time. Recently Esposito spoke to The Times about living with bipolar disorder and using it as her superpower in comedy.

Every time I watched “Four Pills” I got something new out of it. I wanted to talk about how you planned this special, because it’s very unique, intimate and subtle, yet also super artistic.

It is meant to be art. Sadly, stand-up comedy can sometimes just be goofing around — and it is. But also, I wanted it to feel like the experience of a manic episode, which is what the special is about. There’s meant to be three sections within the special. The first is just the stand-up special that you’re used to with more traditional camera angles. And then the second act is when the camera shifts to being almost up my nose, which is meant to sort of feel intense and a little panic-inducing. And then in the third act is filming in front of an all-white background where the club disappears and reappears as I talk about the experience of being medicated.

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Regarding the title “Four Pills,” can you talk about what those four pills are that you take in your everyday life?

So I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder three years ago at 40, and I feel very proud of my age. We love to be a person who has experienced some stuff. A lot of my life had been lived. And after this diagnosis, I was given the option of being medicated. Bipolar disorder has been my superpower — it’s given me a lot of energy and a lot of ideas. Also being medicated has allowed me so much more flexibility in long-term goals. For instance, [it’s given me] stability — which is actually not the hallmark of the stand-up comic. But I take four pills, one is a mood stabilizer, which helps to shrink the gap between the highs and lows in my moods. And I also take an anti-anxiety medication that helps to address the big mood shifts ahead of time. And I take two different things for sleeping — one is a sleep medication, and the other one is an anti-nightmare medication, which is so cool. It was originally a medication for epilepsy, and they found that it has applications for PTSD. So a lot of vets have access to this medication — veterans, not people who work with dogs. I love that we have found that somebody can address in the brain. Are these recurring nightmares, because sleep is very important to maintaining stable moods.

“Bipolar disorder has been my superpower,” Esposito said. “It’s given me a lot of energy and a lot of ideas. Also being medicated has allowed me so much more flexibility in long-term goals.”

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

This special feels more like a conversation with the audience or the viewer at home. Were there questions that you had from people in your life that have asked you about bipolar disorder that you wanted to address in your new material?

I will be honest, the person in my life who had the least information about bipolar disorder but was affected by it the most was me, because I didn’t know anything about bipolar disorder prior to being diagnosed, and it was a wild experience going and being evaluated by a psychiatrist, because it was like an hourlong evaluation, and he didn’t even have to tell me at the end, “I think you have bipolar disorder,” because I answered “yes” to all the questions. And so I told him, “hey, just FYI, I do think bipolar disorder.” And one thing that when I first read it, I didn’t understand, but that [now makes] so much more sense to me since I’ve been medicated, is the phrase “goes through life as if driven by a motor.” And that is something, if I try to explain it to people, that I think is really helpful. The feeling of getting on a roller coaster — and it’s pretty fun the first time you’re on there — but then it’s also a horror movie where the straps locked down and you can never get off. It’s just a flood of brain chemicals that not everybody has. And it means that no matter how exhausted [you are] or [if there are] consequences in your life, you can’t stop.

You mentioned earlier that you feel like being bipolar is sort of like a “superpower.” Can you describe that a little more?

Yeah, I mean, the other thing that’s really interesting is of any mental illness, and not to brag — well, maybe to brag — there are the most politicians, business leaders, and successful musicians or Hollywood stars that have this particular mental illness. Because when it’s working for you, I mean, [there’s] no need to sleep, [you have] a zillion ideas, charisma, no fear. You don’t have the same fear sensors and no sense of consequences. So you might take big risks, like running for office or starting your own company, and if those pay off, it’s amazing. So there’s this line. There’s the really positive and then the line that can be crossed over that says “oh no, this is starting to affect my life in a negative way, because I can’t stop because I’m taking too many risks,” and a lot of times I think people can cross back and forth over that line, at least that was my experience.

“I will be honest, the person in my life who had the least information about bipolar disorder but was affected by it the most was me, because I didn’t know anything about bipolar disorder prior to being diagnosed,” Esposito said.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

You talk about your personal relationships in the special pretty early on, specifically about getting divorced and also finding love again. What’s it like being a bipolar comedian who deals with it on stage, but also in romantic partnerships?

Well, I am very lucky, because I believe the stats are something like 80% of people with bipolar disorder are not able to maintain long-term romantic relationships, and it’s because for as long as I’ve been dating — and I started in my teens — I’ve always felt like I was trying to find somebody who could keep up with me, and what I eventually realized is that actually, nobody can. They just didn’t have those chemicals in their brain. And so I think the thing that is interesting about a romantic relationship — friendship, stability — is that that longevity piece is not necessary for stand-up at all. Because stand-up is all about being in the moment, adjusting to the exact room that you’re in. So again, in terms of talking about crossing back and forth, it’s like the thing that made me really great at dragging a rolling bag into Portland and then, like walking on stage basically straight from the airport, and crushing also made it look so difficult for me to be married. Being medicated has just afforded me more options in working the difference between those two closer together as opposed to being really extreme one way or the other — like, really committed to a relationship and then really dipped out and on the road.

I get a sense of that duality a bit in your special... going back to what we were talking with the shift in tones going from a club setting, to a totally white room. What was behind that idea? And how does it showcase the core of the special?

It was so cool, Dropout let me build a fake stand-up club — it would be cheaper to shoot at a regular club, but I wanted to be able to control the exact camera angles and where the audience was placed, so that we could pull off this idea of escalating energy and being on stage. Part of the reason I chose this job also, is that being on stage actually induces, like a mini bipolar cycle. So literally, being on stage floods the brain with those chemicals, like those very positive endorphins, like the feeling of working out, or drugs, because it also is the same chemicals that happen when people take cocaine. So being on stage and all those chemicals being released and the excitement of that, I wanted people to feel that, and not just feel it in the way when you’re shooting a special and there’s like a crane shot, and it’s very far back from the stage, and you’re getting this grand feeling of stand-up, which is also part of what stand-up is. But stand-up when you’re watching it, my favorite thing is being in the room. I’d prefer that to watching the special so I wanted it to feel like being in the room, like being sat in the front row.

To get back to your question about the change, the shift in tone going into that space in the white room where I’m wearing like the same outfit, but it’s all white and the microphone is white, is meant to feel like the experience of being with myself and understanding myself, which is not something that I previously was afforded. The easiest way that I had to connect with myself was in connecting to an audience, because I really felt like that energy in the room has been so important to me down to even a spiritual level, which I say in the special because it really feels like that human connection is never stronger for me than when I’m on stage and I was not able to tolerate that connection with myself, because my brain could never stop.

You wanted to be a priest at one point. How are priests and comedians similar?

Well, I think the whole point is that organized religion, philosophy and stand-up comedy on their best days are all meant to solve the same question, which is, “What are we doing here?” and “How does it feel to be here?” And so, like, the funniest joke and the best sermon have so much overlap. I think that what’s great about stand-up is that it isn’t necessarily organized into the company that is also God, Inc., that is trying to sell you something about how you’re a bad person, or you need to be doing life this way. And so for me, I feel like it’s actually, it’s like, the same job, but with less sexual abuse.

“As I’ve been dating — and I started in my teens — I’ve always felt like I was trying to find somebody who could keep up with me, and what I eventually realized is that actually, nobody can,” Esposito said. “They just didn’t have those chemicals in their brain.”

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

I definitely thought to your point that being able to captivate an audience and give them a message and make them receive it and also do something with it is pretty similar. It’s almost like two parallel paths that just happen in different buildings — a church or a comedy club.

This is true throughout stand-up, there are funny jokes, like there are people who are really, really funny and who can carry off jokes about TV that they watch, or, you know, like a chunk about the day, and the jokes really work. But I think that something that stands the test of time are like those specials, like [George] Carlin, you know, that are really about this bigger question, and they answer it with an arc. Bo Burnham has done such a great job with this, Hannah Gadsby, like all of those specials that I think will have a lasting effect and change the art form, are these specials that are kind of like sermons, they have a point.

You’ve always been big on celebrating representation in your comedy — whether it’s diversity in sexual orientation, or gender. How does talking about mental health also help comedy grow as an art form?

Years ago, I used to get asked the question, “Why do you talk about being gay?” It was the best question ever, because it’s like, well, I talk about being gay for the same reason that these other comics talk about being straight, because it’s what’s happening in my life. I don’t have blow job jokes because that’s not a huge part of my life. And I feel like the thing has just been that I’m talking about my life and I’m being honest, and I have found that there are a lot of people who don’t see themselves in other comics or on TV elsewhere. And it was something that I didn’t really expect when I first started. I knew there weren’t a ton of people like me that had mainstream success when I started 20 years ago, I didn’t know how much it would affect other people to see me. I have since had the opportunity to meet a lot of people who have given me a lot of feedback and information about what it means to them and I’m curious to see how this special will be received, because it’s a new area that I’m talking about.